Years ago, a person working on related papers said to me.
"I don't want to work with you. I want to be able to have candid conversations about what we are working on."
I was like, "what?"
This person had a great idea - we could serve as sounding boards for each other - on papers, career issues, and more.
BUT.
We would not work on projects. We would not be friends. We would be colleagues.
We would be frenemies: https://lnkd.in/e7YcYPGp.
I was skeptical.
We worked in related spaces. My record could have been stronger. And we competed with each other to be first to market.
Yet.
Eight years later.
Our "frenemy" relationship persists.
We have periodic exchanges about papers, students, and professional issues.
We've coached each other through revisions, tricky Ph.D. students, & ob changes.
In fact, my "frenemies" advice framed my last job negotiation.
The agreement has expanded.
We also monitor each other's professional social media.
If something with a red flag pops up - I get a message about 2 minutes later.
Yet.
We don't hang out at conferences.
We keep our professional social lives separate.
So why do it?
First, academics are only sometimes candid.
To improve, we needed brutal opinions about the quality of our papers, topics, and student advising.
Second, everyone needs a safe space.
We have very clear lines about what is private & what is public.
Mum is the word.
Third, we have evolved together.
Being at similar career stages, we talk through issues in a flat way - not a hierarchical way - the way one might a mentor.
It's nice not to feel alone.
Fourth, the rivalry is motivating.
It's fun to be able to share successes, without making the other person feel bad.
And yea, it's fun to talk a little smack about who is doing better once in a while.
Finally, we live in different circles.
So when we do talk, the point of view is often completely different.
Our networks work at diff schools and in diff countries.
So the take we share on issues is often not consistent.
The exposure to new ideas is helpful.
You'll find those conversations add a positive dimension to your academic life.
