On academic friends & real friends (or how to find a few friends in your discipline).
An acquaintance recently commented to me that it was hard to be an academic - because it’s difficult to tease apart professional friends & just plain old personal friends.
They were not sure how to distinguish between the two.
The comment resonated with me - because when I was a senior editor at a famous journal & president of an association - I had a lot of friends.
These days, as I’ve become less visible, I hear from a lot fewer people.
At first, it bothered me; then I recognized that some of the professional friends had, over time, become plain old friends - that is, people who shared my life experience, whom I would trust to help with my daughter, & who could keep a confidence.
In fact, some of my professional friends over the past twenty years have become some of my dearest friends - whom I would miss if they ghosted me or whom I would help, no questions asked.
But, I recognize the tension & the quandary it can present to an early career scholar - because it shapes how you set boundaries & whom you associate with in your professional and personal life.
So what should you do?
First, know that if you are lucky, some professional friends might someday be personal friends.
It’s tough to predict who.
So be nice to everyone.
You never know who will surface as a personal friend.
Second, know that friendships take time to develop when you see people sporadically at conferences.
While you may extend swift trust, you should take a wait & see approach to whether someone will become a personal friend.
So carefully consider what you disclose & what you believe.
It’s not that people are malicious - it’s that it’s hard to take the measure of someone whom you see once in a month of Sundays.
Third, recognize that it is tough to tell apart professional & personal friends if you work together at the same uni.
So have fun with coworkers, but draw lines between work & personal, especially when sharing your thoughts about coworkers or life events (e.g., your marriage went South).
This doesn’t make coworkers bad or not reliable. It simply means don’t spill the tea on your personal life.
Fourth, look around for people you think you might enjoy knowing away from work.
My best friends at work & in life have shared experiences or have been kind to my daughter.
These are people with real friendship possibilities.
I like seeing them, talking to them about non-work stuff, & that my daughter loves them as much as any uncle or auntie.
Finally, let friendships grow organically.
You can’t force weak ties to be friends.
Let your professional friendships evolve over time.
So be patient & circumspect, eventually, you’ll find personal friends & you’ll love the job even more.
Best of luck!
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