On family (and joining an academic family).
Being a single parent and a professor is a bit different.
My students likely suffer - bc my work and personal life are commingled - in many ways.
Typically, they take the I’ll be late bc of the teen - or that I have blackout periods where I don’t work bc it’s family time - with good humor.
Often, the Teen reciprocates - when I say I have to help a student and work while she reads - she knows all of my student’s names - she values time with them - and she especially remembers the students she met when younger - who were kind and spent time with her.
In many ways, the Teen views them as older siblings or cousins - she cares about their well-being - is excited to see them - asks for updates - and makes sure that I’m fulfilling my obligations to ‘her people’.
So after a long break - it was an especially joyful moment - for the Teen to reunite with Stefan Tams. The last time she saw him was at a conference where she was still wearing her signature pink crocs!
What a long way we have come! He is now a tenured faculty member with a professorship (yes, I am bragging about him) and she is now wearing combat boots (yes, I am afraid).
Listening to them chat about South Park cracked me up!
One of the joys of academic life is the enduring relationships that we build.
While not always present, they are always welcome wherever I happen to work and we (me and the Teen) look forward to seeing our academic family, hearing about their successes, and spending time with them.
While my students have - a hodgepodge of personalities, topics, and different paths to success - that they succeed in life is important to me - long after graduation.
The moral of the story?
As you look for a PhD program or pick an advisor think about the relationship that you want to follow you through your career.
Some advisors are excellent managers - but hold you at arms-length.
Some advisors hold you close - but never let you become independent.
Some advisors fall somewhere in-between.
No matter the style of advisor you choose, pick one who is decent to you, let’s you grow, and is able to give hard advice.
Like a good parent, a good advisor will prepare you to be independent and train your own students.
And like a good parent, a good advisor will be available to offer advice (wanted or not) when it is necessary.
Many thanks to Stefan for spending time with the Teen - and refreshing our friendship. I’m proud of the person and professor that you have become!
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